Jelly To Ready: Part 4

Heartbreak:

It’s not often I chose to like someone and admit it to them, but to this guy I chose to. We’d stay up all night on my porch talking. I’m talking about the sun is up and we haven’t slept all night. I stayed over at his house watching movies. Never doing that before, I didn’t know how to apply my usual logic to this situation and it only got worse from there.

Imagine this: there is someone you like and they know you like them and they have said they like you too. Imagine them asking you if they can have sex with your housemate. Imagine telling them that if they attempt to do that, your friendship is over and they walk away from you. Imagine them knocking on your front door later with someone else. Imagine having to let them in because they are friends with your other housemates who want them there. Then imagine them both heading past your room to have sex. Then your crush stops in your doorway and asks if you’re mad and all you can say is “I can’t be mad at you for something you haven’t done yet” and you can see in their eyes that they are debating what they’d prefer; you or them, and they don’t choose you. Then imagine waking up to them knocking at your door after to apologize. Soul-crushing, heartbreaking image right?
A short-circuiting brain does not even slightly describe what I was feeling. I’d never experienced anything like that and didn’t know how to react. I haven’t let my guard down or trusted anyone since. I had been single my entire life and planned to stay that way if this is what the worst felt like.

Observing the people around me made me realize, I didn’t want to end up like them I didn’t want to end up living off my parents like man-boy.

I didn’t want to end up a hateful person like Russian racist.

I didn’t want to end up the joke of a relationship farce like S.

I didn’t want to be an alcoholic with bad anger problems like A.

I wanted to be the one people only had good memories of, but not at my own expense. I wanted people to know that they would have good memories of me if they treated me properly. I didn’t care if I was nice. I didn’t care if I was forever alone. I wanted to be good.

I proved to myself I knew the kind of person I wanted to be.

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